Calling all single electricians! I have decided after what can only be described as an evening from hell that I need to get a boyfriend and he needs to be an electrician.
So I got home from work and for a change I had a clean saucepan. So I heated myself up a nice tin of Chicken Jalfrezi cracked open a bottle of wine, started writing to you guys and bedded down for the night. It was supposed to be a rare but enjoyable relaxing evening. I should be so fucking lucky.
There are three things I HATE in this world. I do not use this word lightly. 1. Spiders ( I left my last mooring because there were too many spiders in the willow trees over my boat) 2. WIFI and 3. Electricity. Spiders are an irrational fear and being scared of them is something that irritates me all the time but engines and electric I can explain…so here goes.
I cannot stand things that I cannot see. My wifi stops working, I phone the company and they tell me I’ve used the whole 50gb. I just don’t by it, what is a GB, how do I know I’ve used it. Sometimes it lasts a month sometimes it lasts a week and I’m pretty routine in my use of it so it never varies that much. I’m absolutely convinced that the bastards make it up as they go along just to rip us all off. If there was any truth in it then why is mobile data so expensive yet you can get unlimited wifi for £3 a month! Where is the logic in that?!? Anyway that little rant has absolutely nothing to do with why I started writing this blog.
Electricity, now that’s a real pain in my arse. Anyone who lives on a slightly bodgy boat and doesn’t have a lot of money to spend on solar panels will know that trying to live a life off of a single extension lead is nearly impossible. Especially in the winter.
Back to the curry, on the hob bubbling away and out of nowhere I’m plunged into darkness. I figured it was just the fuse so I went to flick it but everyone else in the yard had power so it wasn’t that. Here starts the nasty process of elimination, like WIFI you cannot see electricity so you cannot tell what’s broken, unlike on a nice wooden boat. I hate this process, it always involves a horrendous birds nest of cables, spiders hovering over fuse boxes and I’ve never got the right dam screwdriver. After far too much time spent jumping over puddles, trying not to slip on the ice and wrapping old fuses in tinfoil I discover my reel has overheated and melted itself together. Great. I don’t have a spare. Extension leads never come with instructions which infuriates me, they break all the time! I mean baked beans come with instructions for fuck sake!
In my opinion the one purpose of an extension lead is to transfer power to where I want it to be and if the main circuit is beefy enough this should be possible without limitations. I phoned my old man to try and decipher what had gone wrong and he let me know that running 2 heaters was too much power for the cable. I mean seriously! You’ve got one job Mr extension lead and you can’t make it happen. Two heaters is not an unreasonable fucking request! If the cable has to be thicker to run more than one thing then why on earth don’t they just make them thicker in the first place to save us all the trouble?
So, with my new found knowledge of this unbelievably illogical wizardry I unpeeled my extension lead ready to fix it. Of course, then the inadequate battery life gives up on my phone and I’m now without a torch, fixing something I don’t understand in the pitch black. You can tell I really enjoyed last night can’t you.
Despite all the obstacles I managed to fix the dam thing and am now with power again. This makes me very happy. Although now I am sat in the cold because I’m too scared to plug anything in but my lamp. Plus it was so stressful that my week long attempt at giving up smoking hit a hurdle and I caved.
So the moral of the story is as follows. I need a boyfriend. He must be an electrician. If I can’t find one my future is inevitable. I will start smoking again get cancer and die or I will burn myself to death in the night due to an electrical fire. Please place applications for role of “boyfriend” below.